roleplaying:munchausen:the_lesser_great_wall_of_china
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— | roleplaying:munchausen:the_lesser_great_wall_of_china [2008/08/27 17:58] (current) – created - external edit 127.0.0.1 | ||
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+ | ====== The Lost Temple of Keekong Dong ====== | ||
+ | //"But enough about me, now. I'm parched. How about you tell me what you think of me? What about you, Your Lordship," | ||
+ | "It was during one of my famed week long garden parties, if I recall | ||
+ | correctly", | ||
+ | "We were re-enacting the 5th siege of the Great Wall of China with | ||
+ | our invited guests: My then fiancee Buttercup, who was of course | ||
+ | taking the part of the Wall, the Luigi brothers as the defending | ||
+ | nation of the Middle Kingdom, and myself as the Emperor of China." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | to acquire a fresh batch for the festivities. As you know, it is | ||
+ | damned difficult to import hordes of any sort into England at short | ||
+ | notice. Especially after my tif with the Postmaster General." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke sips his wine before continuing, somewhat off-track. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Yes, at a previous party with my then fiancee Rouge D' | ||
+ | been accosted by the Postmaster General who berated me quite wittily | ||
+ | about my extravagant use of the postal service. Something along the | ||
+ | lines of a man obliging nobles is not the same as Noblesse Oblige." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I can't offhand remember my rejoinder, but at one point I do recall | ||
+ | chopping his head off, so I must have won the arguement." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | unbeseiged (and breathing) fiancee." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The [[Countess Barbara of Tango|Contessa]] smiled indulgently. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "He was somewhat chagrined at the site of the catapults and siege | ||
+ | towers. But I assured him they were authentic for the period in | ||
+ | question.", | ||
+ | "At first, perhaps, Buttercup was pleased to receive the attentions | ||
+ | of her fiancee rather than a Mongol horde - but I let not intimate | ||
+ | relations distract me from what was, after all, an accurate | ||
+ | presentation of siegecraft." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I do fear that in the heat of the moment, and with her acknowledged | ||
+ | thespian skill, I may have mistaken her for an inanimate brick wall | ||
+ | of at least 4000 miles in length." | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Enter the Mule Ape ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | "What about the Monkey, your Grace?", | ||
+ | servant and occasional bookend. | ||
+ | "Are you asking to be mortally wounded, Patsy? Again? I'm just | ||
+ | getting to that bit", the Duke responds. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It was at this point, as I, last-minute replacement for the Mongol | ||
+ | Horde, were about to bring down the Great Wall of China that | ||
+ | misfortune struck. This long ingeniously planned strategy to rid | ||
+ | myself of another fiancee with the contrivance of a war re-enactment | ||
+ | from a period in history that fascinated my then future father-in-law | ||
+ | came to nought. The distraction of a full siege in ancient China | ||
+ | giving credence to the razing of his daughter - down to her very | ||
+ | foundation - was interrupted, | ||
+ | |||
+ | "In fact, it was a rare Mule Ape from the deepest Tibetan rainforests | ||
+ | brought especially as suprise reinforcements by the Luigi brothers. | ||
+ | Whom, I might add, I will not be inviting to further parties. | ||
+ | Acrobatic leaping from platform to platform is not sufficient | ||
+ | entertainment reason." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Mule Apes are known for several strange behaviours out of the | ||
+ | ordinary nature of monkeys - Their large size, their tendency to | ||
+ | climb any large structure in sight, their ability to create out of | ||
+ | thin air - explosive barrels to hurl and more importantly (at least | ||
+ | to me at the time) - their prepoderance to kidnapping fiancees." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke pauses and looks to the [[clan_bruce|Bruce]]. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I imagine it was the barrel hurling nature of the Mule Ape, or the | ||
+ | barrels themselves you were after that attracted your interest. | ||
+ | Although I am not sure how you found out the nature of my quest to | ||
+ | follow. Perhaps you would care to fill in the details?" | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | troublesome father, the Mule Ape's disappearance with my fiancee was | ||
+ | quite spectacular. A swift interrogation of the Luigis with a | ||
+ | heraldic plunger, brought forth details on the beast and a | ||
+ | possibility." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | off with his daughter, and perhaps suspicious of my re-enactment | ||
+ | motives, charged me forthwith to retrieve his daughter. Naturally I | ||
+ | set off at once, after seeing my guests out, tidying the place up a | ||
+ | bit and making necessary preparations." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | my quest would take me to its home in the dark forest of Tibet. To | ||
+ | the very temple of its home. The Keekong Dong." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Your quest?" | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Your pardon, Bruce, in the heat of the retelling I had mislaid some | ||
+ | of the finer details. It was infact my seeking the whereabouts of | ||
+ | the Mule Ape that led me across your path for the temple that is its | ||
+ | home." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "And I could never imagine you razing Buttercups, Bruce." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The hammers were, indeed the reason for the brothers' | ||
+ | little realised it was only part of what they brought from Keekong | ||
+ | Dong." | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Hammer Time ===== | ||
+ | "As the Bruce has pointed out", says Duke Peter, "he was on a quest | ||
+ | himself to find one of the legendary hammers of Keekong Dong. Being | ||
+ | more learned in this matter, and reading of happenings of my party in | ||
+ | the Scottish edition of the Times (the one with the BIG letters), he | ||
+ | had begun tracking the Mule Ape and Buttercup in the hopes of | ||
+ | discovering the temple." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "A temple that had been lost nigh on 20 years - ever since the Luigi | ||
+ | brothers famous kegger of 18--. They have of course, now sworn off | ||
+ | the imbibing of more than two kegs in an evening. And the Italian | ||
+ | sport of head hitting as well." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The Bruce had the foresight to enlist the aid of several Sherpas for | ||
+ | their tracking ability. For their enlarged nostrils aided them well | ||
+ | in picking up scents, even those of a year old fleeing Mule Ape | ||
+ | across water, as well as their natural mountain climbing attributes. | ||
+ | Many a Sherpa has slipped and fell from a ludicrous height, only to | ||
+ | be saved at the last moment with the help of their enlarged | ||
+ | nostrils." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I, of course, had not employed Sherpas. Not even for protection | ||
+ | from the rain - which is another added advantage of noses. So | ||
+ | somewhat wet and bedgraggled, | ||
+ | Bruce. Always catching the next carriage after him, the next ship or | ||
+ | the next passing whale. Never catching up." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I knew of his intent for the Hammers from a jolly good friend of | ||
+ | mine in a certain Gentleman' | ||
+ | from my own. And yet, being a Scot, I did fear for my fiancee and | ||
+ | resolved to do my best to get ahead of him. Truth be told, I feared | ||
+ | the Bruce would rescue her, returning her to her father. This then, | ||
+ | was the main impetous of my quest." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "And it would have failed, but for the serendipitous discovery of a | ||
+ | music grinder' | ||
+ | the southern tip of the Sahara Desert." | ||
+ | |||
+ | Duke Peter waves a lace encircled hand repeatedly past his nose." | ||
+ | "I do apologise", | ||
+ | Frenchy." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I had, of course, meant that a Sherpa' | ||
+ | in times of inclement weather. Not all noses in general. I am even | ||
+ | given to understand that one of the least French people in Paris went | ||
+ | on to sell an invention based on Sherpa nostrils. Rather | ||
+ | unimaginatively called the model number one from Paris. Or the | ||
+ | Paris-01." | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== In Distress ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The sun beat down in the desert of dry desolation as I distraughtly despaired at the dread diffidence of the Divine." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The surrounding crowd applauded my action. As you know, under Muslim law, a thieves hands are removed. But as you may not be aware - for the stupidity of creating very bad music and forcing a monkey to dance, the musician' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "And so I inherited the monkey - the grinder no longer being in the land of the living. As you know, legless Arabs are not tolerated in muslim countries." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The monkey itself was, not only rather smelly, but quite intelligent. She was able to communicate her thoughts to me via the medium of a specially build Accordian. One the right size for her paws." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It is in this manner that I discovered the wherabouts of the Keekong Dong - legendary temple of monkeys. For the monkey had been there herself. All I need now do was beat the Bruce to Tibet." | ||
+ | |||
+ | [[Earl S_____|The Earl]] pauses for thought - it appears to take some time. Finally, | ||
+ | he says, "Your Grace, this may surprise you, but I believe I know the | ||
+ | young monkey in question. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I would wager that the lass was a spy for the Mule Ape Nation, and | ||
+ | her mission was in fact to lure you to the temple in order to honour | ||
+ | your proposal to the Mule Ape Queen. Which is, of course, where the | ||
+ | geese come in. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I say, Buttercup must have been furious when she found out about | ||
+ | your, eh-heh, prior engagement!" | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Goosed ===== | ||
+ | The Duke sighs, remembering the irritating encumberances that fate | ||
+ | placed in his way that day. | ||
+ | "It was in deed the case, your Grace.", | ||
+ | |||
+ | "No sooner had we established a method of communication via the | ||
+ | playing of her accordian than her insidious plot began to unfold. | ||
+ | Under the guise of telling me the location of the temple, Hari, | ||
+ | for 'twas her name, or perhaps better knowns as Monkey Hari the | ||
+ | simian spy, began to mesmerize me to sleep." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The soothing tones of the accordian hid well the hypnotical commands | ||
+ | that sent me into a deep sleep. And I did not see where the monkey | ||
+ | kept her trained Arabic carrier geese, but can only surmise she was a | ||
+ | conjurer as well." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke turns and addresses the Bruce. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It was in this manner, unconscious with an accordian playing master- | ||
+ | spy monkey - we were carried to the lost temple of Keekong Dong, and | ||
+ | managed to arrive well before you." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Aye, I understand that well enough," | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== The Land of the Terse ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Duke Peter of Gloucester eyes the Earl dubiously. | ||
+ | "I had not thought that the Queen of the Mule Apes had survived the | ||
+ | aborted invasion of the planet Terserus, but she did. And it was | ||
+ | perhaps that fact that allowed me to escape the carrier geese. You | ||
+ | must have sources I am not aware of to have known about the Queen | ||
+ | Mule Ape, you Grace.." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The planet Terserus, as you know, sits on the opposite side of the | ||
+ | sun to us and is therefore always in the shade. It can only be | ||
+ | reached by animals not only capable of traversing the ether between | ||
+ | the planets, but also able to withstand the occasional meteor shower. | ||
+ | Ducks naturally leap to mind - water off a ducks back and all that, | ||
+ | but they are unfortunately not of a size adequate for | ||
+ | transportation." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Hence my first encounter with Arabic carrier geese." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "At the time, I was making a social visit to the Terserons of | ||
+ | Terserus. Catching up in a light dinner conversation with a doctor | ||
+ | friend of mine. It was rather an inconvenient place to have dinner, | ||
+ | however - as the Terserons are reknown for their method of | ||
+ | communication - to be blunt, the controlled breaking of wind." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | I understand, and this was possibly the last time I could see him. | ||
+ | And so I made the trip via ACG (arabic carrier geese). Whilst there | ||
+ | for an extended period - the geese picked up a smattering of the | ||
+ | local dialect. I didn't realise at the time that they were working | ||
+ | for the Mule Ape Empire and this trip was just the excuse needed to | ||
+ | do some preparatory scouting." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "To cut a long digression short - It was only through a promise to | ||
+ | marry the Mule Ape Queen that I was able to avert the invasion of the | ||
+ | planet Terserus by soldier monkeys via ACG the following evening. | ||
+ | Apparently the Queen had heard of my many previous fiancees and | ||
+ | decided to find out for herself what was so attractive about me. It | ||
+ | did not occur to her to check as to why they were ex-fiancees, | ||
+ | wonder at how mysterious their disappearances and unfortunate | ||
+ | deaths." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | celebratory cigar at her hen's party while on Terserus." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | Keekong Dong - I had though she had not." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke pauses and sips his wine before continuing. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It was the survivors of the original invasion force - I tell you | ||
+ | now, I had not noticed their occasional half charred feathers - that | ||
+ | bore me aloft to the temple. If it weren' | ||
+ | the ACG, I'm sure they Mule Ape empire would not use them so much on | ||
+ | their various espionage activities." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | of Monkey Hari I had lost control of all parts of my body - save for | ||
+ | one muscle alone. And it is in that manner, whilst the spy monkey | ||
+ | held her nose in disgust and wondered what I had eaten for lunch, | ||
+ | that I successfully comunicated with the geese." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "With the skill of language I am blessed with - a silver tongue, or | ||
+ | other parts, I convinced the geese of their betrayal. As they were | ||
+ | partially cooked already from a previous matrimonial disaster, it was | ||
+ | easy enough to imply that they would be cooked and served in a | ||
+ | wedding banquet were it all likely that I was forced to marry the | ||
+ | Mule Ape Queen." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It is in this manner that I turned her followers against her, and | ||
+ | used the geese later - when we arrived at the temple." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke quaffs his drink, pondering his memories. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I wondered what the smell was when I got there," | ||
+ | |||
+ | "A lucky thing they did too, eh?", says the Duke. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | fracas. I do, however, prefer slightly less hairy alcoves in which | ||
+ | to fight." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Aye, well ye were the one who insisted we try some haruspication before we left.", | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Yes, well it is one thing to predict the future through the entrails | ||
+ | of animals - and quite another to divine the future from the innards | ||
+ | of a Sherpa' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "With all the pinguid bogeys inside and the fighting outside," | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Girder action ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | may lead the story back to where I last left off - I was being | ||
+ | carried by Arabic carrier geese with a monkey spy playing an | ||
+ | according." | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Duke continues. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "There was some form of rennovation work happening at the temple at | ||
+ | the time - or perhaps they were merely adding an extension. As there | ||
+ | appeared to be metal girders bolted togethor creating a rude | ||
+ | structure around and through the temple proper. At the very top of | ||
+ | this structure was the Mule Ape Queen, togethor with my fiancee, | ||
+ | Buttercup, who was looking quite put out." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "There was some form of cage like structure in which I was to be | ||
+ | unceremoniously dumped, and then likely ceremoniously tortured to | ||
+ | death. However several gaseous emissions later it was Monkey Hari | ||
+ | herself that was dropped from a great height into the cage. | ||
+ | Unfortunately the accordian cushioned her fall." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I was flown now by my geese allies towards the Queen and my fiancee | ||
+ | who now appeared to be in cahoots togethor. Somewhat uncomfortable | ||
+ | apparel I know, but then they were quite strange fiancees." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | Queen, and would have been blown to bits if I had not the foresight | ||
+ | to use the geese as cover. I fell to the earth and the Queen began | ||
+ | systematically rolling barrels down upon me, forcing me to dodge | ||
+ | around girders and tactically retreat to the base of the structure." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It was there that the Bruce discovered me, as he finally managed to | ||
+ | track down the temple. The possible rhythmic explosion may have been | ||
+ | a contributing factor. I knew it would be a dashed difficult task to | ||
+ | make my way to the top with those unpredictable barrels rolling willy | ||
+ | nilly down the girders." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | raining from above - occasionally venturing for to skillfully dice | ||
+ | and slilce any advance forces of Mule Apes, I realised that perhaps | ||
+ | the barrels were not that unpredictable. I did have a Scot with me | ||
+ | who likely knew haruspication, | ||
+ | believe. Unfortunately we had no animals nearby - not able to | ||
+ | venture forth from the Sherpa nostrils for very long with the | ||
+ | explosions taking place all about." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The Sherpa nostrils themselves, however seemed to be ideal and I | ||
+ | suggested them to the Bruce. He was dismayed by the dryness of the | ||
+ | Sherpa internals, moisture being a major part of all haruspication. | ||
+ | It was then that he remembered his Spurtle and sprayed the sinuses | ||
+ | liberally, enabling a moist enough predictive surface." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "With foreknowledge of barrel locations as the plummeted, rolled and | ||
+ | bounced down structure - we skillfully made our way to the top." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Aye, it was lucky I'd had my spurtle fitted with the emergency spray nozzle. Normally a spurtle is just a stick for stirring porridge with.", | ||
+ | ===== Barrel full of monkeys ===== | ||
+ | " | ||
+ | Apes would be found at a temple some where. After all, they all had | ||
+ | tonfas, and were obvious monk monkeys." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "As we took shelter behind one of the girders halfway up the | ||
+ | structure temporarily, | ||
+ | floating in the air within reach, if one could jump high enough, | ||
+ | further along. Dashing forward, leaping high, I grabbed it, bringing | ||
+ | it down on one of the barrels. In the process of smashing it, I | ||
+ | noticed how the explosive effect was nullified. A wonderful thing to | ||
+ | me at the time.", | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | as I reached the summit. " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The Mule Ape Queen, now with Buttercup on her side, was dashed | ||
+ | irritated at my arrival. She brought forth yet another barrel and | ||
+ | would have hurled it forthwith had I not fortuitously let fly the | ||
+ | hammer. Catching her in the midriff, she was knocked off balance and | ||
+ | plummeted to her doom off the great height. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | Queen had held was set free by her fall and landed, hard enough to | ||
+ | explode, on the floor by my fiancee' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Which is, sad to say, all that is now left of her, and all that I | ||
+ | could return to her father on my return." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "We looked for the Mule Ape Queen - primarily so the Bruce could get | ||
+ | his hammer - but neither her, nor the hammer could be found. They | ||
+ | had disappeared from the face of the earth." | ||
+ | ====== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Go back to [[first_toke]] |
roleplaying/munchausen/the_lesser_great_wall_of_china.txt · Last modified: 2008/08/27 17:58 by 127.0.0.1