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roleplaying:munchausen:terrans_are_bad_luck [2008/08/27 17:18] (current)
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 +====== ​ Terrans are Bad Luck ======
 +"​Right-o then", ​ says Ariel cheerfully.
 +"So, Nick. I would love to learn the whole truth about how you and 
 +then GR rookie Flash Roger helped save Pherion 5 from being overrun ​
 +by the Arsenium slime monsters. ​ I've never quite believed it the way 
 +he tells it - I mean, surely you didn't *really* use nothing but the 
 +ships medical kit?"
 +She looks around absentmindedly.
 +"And does anyone have something i could put all these Terran bills in?"
 +===== Terrans are Bad Luck =====
 +Ya know Ariel, that story gets better every time Flash
 +tells it. Well, Flash Roger is a pretty good ranger
 +now, but back when I first met him he had more chin
 +than brain. ​
 +I was returning from a mission in Darmok Space, in a
 +Darmok warp crusier I'd liberated (my own ship had
 +been vaporised by the local law enforcement,​ but
 +that's another story), when a distress call came over
 +my sub-space communicator. ​
 +The call came from a Terran government vessel,
 +stranded on the outer edges of the Pherion system and
 +under attack from a bunch of space fighters. Luckily
 +enough the pirates ran for it as soon as I turned up,
 +I say luckily since the Darmok cruiser was designed
 +for a pilot with about 6 more arms then me. Good thing
 +I'd been taking zero-g tap dancing lessions, else I
 +wouldn'​t of been able to fly the thing at all.
 +Turned out the Terren vessel was carrying Jorge
 +Juteson, the Terran ambassador to the Pherion system.
 +A bit of work with a big hammer got the Terran vessels
 +engines running again. And just in time; the pirates
 +hadn't run away, they'd just gone to get friends. I
 +kicked the Terran pilot out and ran that ship hard as
 +I could, but the pirates were going to be on us within
 +a few kilo-secs. ​
 +Thinking quick, I turned towards Pherion Major, a gas
 +giant at the systems center. The pirates couldn'​t
 +track us through PMs atmosphere, and sure enough they
 +gave up the chase soon after we hit the soup.
 +Everything was looking pretty good, until the damn
 +ships engines blew up again. ​
 +With no power, we started falling helplessly back into
 +the gas giant, and the explosion showed the pirates
 +where we were.  I should of realised that trying to
 +help a Terran is bad luck.
 +"​I'​d wager, Nick, that despite your reknowned skills of piloting and 
 +flower arrangement,​ the inferior quality of the ship you were 
 +molesting into working correctly proved inequal to the task.  Its 
 +hull fragmenting almost instantly in the upper atmosphere of the gas 
 +giant. ​ And if it weren'​t for the leviathan fungoid creatures that 
 +lived and floated in its stratosphere - you would surely have 
 +A credit mote manifests in holographic display.
 +===== Jumping out of airlocks for fun =====
 +"​That'​s pretty much what happened Simon, has Flash told this story to 
 +everyone ?"
 +"With the engines dead, we dropped into one of the huge and violent ​
 +storms which were common in the planets stratosophere. Pretty soon 
 +the ship was shedding it's skin quicker than a Gundark in malting ​
 +season. ​
 +A few of the sensors were still working, and they showed a huge 
 +floating mass some several thousand meters below us. Anything was a 
 +better option than being crushed with the ship in the lower 
 +atmosphere and, so we grabbed space suits, opened the airlock and 
 +jumped out into the turbulent (and bright pink) sky.
 +It's pretty difficult to steer while free falling through an 
 +electrical storm the size of a moon, fortunately the island was a 
 +large target. As the ground rushed up I braced for a sharp impact, so 
 +was pleasently surprised by the soft and gooey landing, which left me 
 +up to my neck in lime green scum. Moments later the arrival of the 
 +Ambassador was announced by a sudden wash of slime and a resonant ​
 +splat. Soon enough we found solid ground, and explored enough to 
 +dicover that the floating island was in fact a vast mass of fungi of 
 +many types, floating randomly through the planets stratosphere. ​
 +Now, anyone knows that a giant floating mushroom will react promptly ​
 +to catching fire. By turning my GR standard issue ray-gun up to the 
 +maximal setting we found that a limited form of steering was 
 +possible, and so after a few days of pleasant sailing we made it to 
 +one of the many hunting lodges scattered around the planet. The 
 +assorted tourists staying at the lodge seemed mighty impressed by our 
 +mode of transport, and soon enough a party of them had embarked on an 
 +expedition aboard the leviathian fungus. ​
 +Well, now that I had access to the lodges sub-space communicator,​ it 
 +was easy enough to get in touch with GR HQ. Turns out that they 
 +already had a GR jump-ship on it's way out here, and even better they 
 +had a new GR space-fighter I could requisition. The bad news was, I'​d ​
 +also been assigned a new Rookie."​
 +Pia perks up.  "You betcha giant floating fungi react prompty to catching
 +fire.  You say you set fire to them to help you steer? ​ I don't believe
 +it.  Those fungi would have exploded in all directions if they caught
 +fire, setting fire to you and everything for hundreds of metres around.
 +On a planet like that, it would have set off a chain reaction, and you'd
 +have the whole atmosphere burning! ​ I reckon you found some other way to
 +steer, and you made that up so you wouldn'​t have to tell us."
 +This contradiction is accompanied by the appearance of a holocredit above
 +the table.
 +===== Don't shoot the yellow fungus =====
 +Nick Nitrous (GR, OTE, UHF) scowls briefly at Pia,
 +before continuing
 +"Well Pia, admittedly I skipped some of the boring
 +technical details.
 +As it happens, the Terrans and me weren'​t alone on the
 +island, the whole place was crawling with big bugs.
 +Now, if you've got slime, you expect bugs, but these
 +ones were pretty clever (well, for bugs). They'd built
 +huge sails out of algae all over the island, and were
 +using them to steer the Leviathan Floating Fungus
 +after the bigger lightning storms.
 +We fooled the bugs storm sense by chucking small
 +chunks of fungus into the wind and vaporising them, so
 +the steering really did use a bit of raygun work.
 +Actually, I think it was the vaporising stuff aspect
 +that appealed to the tourists who set off on the
 +island after us. Unfortunately those tourists were a
 +bit careless about which fungus they shot, soon after
 +we departed aboard the GR jump-ship that particular
 +fungus island caught fire. Don't know where you would
 +of heard of fungus causing a planetary chain reaction
 +though, hell that explosion was barely 10,000 km
 +Now that we were space bound again, I offered to give
 +the ambassador a lift to Pherion 5 so he could get on
 +with his job, which was to mediate a big spat that had
 +erupted between the Pherionions and a bunch of
 +Arsenium Miners living in the systems asteroid belt.
 +(Did I mention that I scored a shiny new space-fighter
 +Soon enough the the Ambassador, myself and my new
 +rookie were coming into dock at Pherion 5's spaceport,
 +expecting a warm welcome as I'd rescued the
 +amabassador and all that. Now the inhabitants of
 +Pherion 5 are squat, aquatic flightless avians, sort
 +of like a Terran penguin only bright orange. This made
 +pretty difficult not to laugh on seeing the puffed up
 +Pherion military types waiting for us in the hangar.
 +Got a bit easier when the head Penguin announced they
 +were here to arrest Ambassador Juteson and Nick
 +Nitrous, on charges of Genocide."​
 +"Aaaah yes.  I believe I've heard of this situation. ​ Unless this is a
 +regular occurence, and I don't know the Pherionians as a species at all
 +well, was not the Ambassador accidentally and fatally shot while trying to
 +An odd tentacles from the base of the shell slides up over the table edge
 +and, placing a glassite credit plate in the centre of the table, extrudes a
 +spiral of credit dust, which soon sets into it's standard, highly
 +attractive purple sparkly form.
 +===== Trust no-one, especially if they spit slime =====
 +[OOC one more post will wrap this up]
 +"Well Svathlan, I expect it happens all the time on
 +these backwater planets. The thought of Ambassador
 +Juteson trying to escape is a hoot, the man was as
 +spineless as a Frequalian Jello Raptor, a deboned one.
 +No offence to any invertebrates present."​
 +"But, back to the story, I had a pretty good idea who
 +had set us up, but I couldn'​t follow it up if I let
 +myself get arrested. Quickly I stepped forward and
 +introduced myself to the most inflated Pherion
 +'I’m Flash Roger, Galaxy Ranger. I'm glad you're
 +here; I'd like to turn these two over to the proper
 +authorities', ​
 +Then, gesturing at my rookie, who of course was the
 +real Flash Roger, ​
 +'And, I request that the renegade Galaxy Ranger, Nick
 +Nitrous, be turned over into my custody for later
 +trial' ​
 +Flash seemed a bit surprised at being misnamed, but
 +was naive enough to trust me. The Pherion guards of
 +course refused to hand anyone over, and took the other
 +two into custody, as well as demanding that I stay on
 +the station until further notice. I'd bought myself a
 +few hours, until a Pherion smart enough to pick one GR
 +from another saw the prisoners"​
 +"I started looking around the rest of the docks, and
 +my suspicions were confirmed far sooner than I
 +expected; down in the repair dock was one of the very
 +ships that had been used to attack the ambassadors
 +ship. It looked like the Pherion military was behind
 +the attempt to kill the Ambassador. Immediately I ran
 +to the transport tubes, if I was right then the
 +Ambassador was in a heap of trouble. (Oh, and Flash
 +too) All too slowly I arrived at the stations small
 +prison area, as soon as I stepped out of the transport
 +the way was blocked by an armed penguins.I set my GR
 +raygun to nauseate, and a quick blast left the gaurds
 +well distracted. While I was trying to figure out what
 +to do about the locked blast doors into the prison, a
 +conveniant explosion from within took care of them,
 +and almost took care of me as well. Well, I found
 +Flash pretty quick in the ruins of the prison, but the
 +Ambassador had already been shot in his cell. The
 +explosion must have been set by the militant penguins
 +to fake an escape attempt. Flash and I legged it back
 +to my ship, with surprisingly little resistance, and
 +soon enough we were space bound again. "
 +"With Ambassador Juteson dead, (I sent off a quick
 +sub-space message of condolences to his wife Judy and
 +their boy Elroy), it fell to me to try and negotiate
 +with the Arseniums. Conveniantly enough, there was a
 +Arsenium Warcraft approaching Pherion 5 already. I
 +hailed the ship, and they agreed let me talk to their
 +Queen, so long as I did it from aboard their ship.
 +Well, it seemed like a big risk, but in my line of
 +work that's nothing special. ​ Flash volunteered to
 +mind the ship, he turned out to be a quick learner
 +that boy. After we matched course with them it was
 +only a short space walk to the other ships airlock. I
 +was about to get my first look at an Arsenium."​
 +"Now, the GR guidebook classifies Arseniums as a Mucus
 +Based Lifeform, but I tell ya, I know a Slime Monster
 +when I see one. These guys looked like hairballs
 +dipped in used reactor coolant. The interior of the
 +ship was intensely humid, and stringy blue muck
 +dripped off the walls. On my arrival, I was taken to a
 +round room which contained several of the slimy
 +critters and an old, battered robot translator. Soon
 +as I turned up, all of em' (bar the robot) started
 +bouncing around and spitting little blobs of slime. I
 +assume that's how they talk, since the translator
 +crackled into voice"
 +Nitrous continues in a cheesy fake robot voice,
 +"​Welcome,​ Galaxy Ranger. I'm afraid that your treaty
 +arrives too late. We are tired of the inhabitants of
 +Pherion 5 constantly ignoring our demands."​
 +"Well, I protested that the Pherion Military had
 +sabotaged the attempts at mediation, which caused the
 +collection of blobs to start rolling around
 +frantically. The robot translated this as harsh
 +laughter. ​
 +'Of course, half the Pherion Military is working for
 +us. Within 20 kiloseconds we will be within range to
 +launch our class one Greenhouse bomb at their icy
 +little planet.'​
 +At that moment a dozen more of the slimeballs entered
 +the room, and the translators voice took on a menacing
 +'As for you, Galaxy Ranger, I doubt you'll be around
 +to see the show'
 +===== Never expect gratitude from a Penguin =====
 +Nick Nitrous, Galaxy Ranger (TM) pauses to sort out
 +the small pile of wagers on the table, and finishes
 +his beer before resuming the story
 +"As the droid finished it's cliche ridden threat, I
 +noticed that there were sparks jumping from a loose
 +plate on it's power supply, not that there was any way
 +I could use that while surrounded by threatening slime
 +monsters. Just then, the ship rocked and juddered,
 +throwing the slime monsters into a slippery confusion.
 +Flash, listening from the GR Space Fighter, had
 +launched an attack. This was distraction enough, I
 +leapt forward, overpowered the robot and, ignoring
 +creative verbal abuse in a dozen languages, ripped the
 +cover off it's power supply. Slimy tentacles grabbed
 +at me and the robot from all around. Turns out that
 +the mucus covering the Arseniums was a decent
 +conductor, soon as a tentacle crossed over the robots
 +power plate, it shorted. There was a sudden flash of
 +light and a shower of spare parts. (Forunately my
 +suits air filters spared me from the stench of charred
 +slime monster). I grabbed one of the strangely shaped
 +weapons off a stunned slimeball, shot at the next one,
 +then turned the gun right way round and tried again.
 +The rest of em returned fire, making it a prudent time
 +to run like hell. I was hoping to find my way to the
 +bomb bay, but it's hard to read the signs when those
 +signs are actually small pools of colored slime on the
 +floor. Pretty soon I was back at the airlock, with
 +half a shipload of slime monsters behind me. The
 +airlock crew bounced down a side corridor when I
 +turned up (assume they were scared, but really how
 +would ya tell?) The airlock controls were no clearer
 +then the signs, so it fell to the direct approach. I
 +lined up the airlock doors with my new toy, and was
 +rewarded with a dull fading hum. That's when I noticed
 +that my GR issue ray gun was still sitting on the
 +airlock control layout, right where I'd left it after
 +coming aboard. Well, I yelled for joy at being
 +re-united with my best friend, though it was drowned
 +out by the sound of the wall I was using for cover
 +being vaporised."​
 +"Now, the GR issue ray-gun has a wide range of useful
 +settings, with the stipulation that actually using
 +most of them will void the guns warranty (and often
 +the users life insurance policy). I figured that not
 +getting shot was a bigger issue, and so with some
 +trepidation turned the Ray-Guns dial all the way up to
 +"The next thing I recall I was floating in space,
 +surrounded by debris and covered in slime. The ray gun
 +was warped and half melted, and my glowing teeth lit
 +up the inside of my space helmet. Half a dozen slime
 +monsters were writhing and venting green clouds in the
 +space close to me, and their ship was disappearing in
 +the distance, with a hole in the side looking like a
 +ruptured blister. Flash swung past soon enough and
 +picked me up, though my space fighter was no longer
 +shiny or new after picking a fight with a far larger
 +"There was no way we'd be able to catch up with the
 +Arsenium warship before it dropped it's Greenhouse
 +bomb, but we still had a chance. Ya standard
 +Greenhouse bomb releases a horde of fast breeding
 +fungus that spread like mad, then decay and release a
 +bunch of gas, quick enough to change the planets
 +atmosphere in a few days. We'd have to deal with them
 +before the lot got entrenched and spread out, probably
 +in the first few hours. Normally, I'd follow standard
 +policy on dealing with this kind of thing, but we
 +didn't have any nukes handy. Next best thing would be
 +a huge load of fungicide. Not the kind of thing that a
 +GR normally carries, but I knew where to get some"
 +"After I abandoned the Darmok ship I'd flown into the
 +system, it followed the autpilot and finished up in
 +orbit around Pherion 5. A crowded warship gets pretty
 +grungy on a long haul trip, and when ya consider that
 +an average Darmok of Darmok has at least 12 armpits,
 +well you get the picture. We went aboard and got the
 +autodoc to spit out a few Darmok first aid kits, each
 +of which contained enough fungicide to slow down a
 +Leviathan Floater. By now, the Arseniums had dropped
 +their payload, and a confused three way space battle
 +had broken out between the warship and the two
 +factions of the Pherion Military. We got a fix on the
 +bombsite and flew on down towards the surface. Most of
 +Pherion 5's surface is covered in gray ocean or vast
 +planes of reflective ice, the dirty green lump
 +spreading from the bombsite stood out even from 20km
 +up. We set down right at the center of the puddle of
 +muck, loaded up with as much fungicide as we could
 +carry and set to work. After the last couple of days
 +I'd started to really hate fungus and slime, it felt
 +good to get some serious payback. The foam from the
 +Darmok first aid kits worked great. Soon enough we
 +were standing at the bottom of a 100m wide crater,
 +which the planet wrecking fungus had eaten into the
 +ice, covered head to toe in dead green muck."
 +"Well, a pretty major war erupted in the Pherion
 +System, but the Arseniums had put most of their
 +resources into getting the Greenhouse bomb, so it
 +ended up as a civil war between traditionalist
 +Pherions and the faction who wanted better weather for
 +surfing. Flash and I were still wanted by both sides,
 +despite saving their planet. In the end we had to
 +smuggle ourselves out of the system, we posted
 +ourselves back to GR HQ  in cold-sleep capsules
 +disguised as lunch meat shipments. I got back ok; the
 +Aeolian courier service delivered a container full of
 +Frequalan Sentient lounge chairs instead of Flash.
 +Now, if you could get Flash to tell ya how he avoided
 +becoming thinking furniture for a Hedonist Cult, I’d
 +love to hear it”
 +Back to [[science fiction]] \\
 +Go back to  [[The Captain'​s View Hotel]]
roleplaying/munchausen/terrans_are_bad_luck.txt · Last modified: 2008/08/27 17:18 (external edit)