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+====== TRAVELS OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN ======
+===== CHAPTER XX =====
+//The Baron slips through the world: after paying a visit to Mount
+Etna he finds himself in the South Sea; visits Vulcan in his
+passage; gets on board a Dutchman; arrives at an island of cheese,
+surrounded by a sea of milk; describes some very extraordinary
+objects--Lose their compass; their ship slips between the teeth of
+a fish unknown in this part of the world; their difficulty in
+escaping from thence; arrive in the Caspian Sea--Starves a bear to
+death--A few waistcoat anecdotes--In this chapter, which is the
+longest, the Baron moralises upon the virtue of veracity.//
+Mr. Drybones' "Travels to Sicily," which I had read with great
+pleasure, induced me to pay a visit to Mount Etna; my voyage to this
+place was not attended with any circumstances worth relating. One
+morning early, three or four days after my arrival, I set out from a
+cottage where I had slept, within six miles of the foot of the
+mountain, determined to explore the internal parts, if I perished in
+the attempt. After three hours' hard labour I found myself at the top;
+it was then, and had been for upwards of three weeks, raging: its
+appearance in this state has been so frequently noticed by different
+travellers, that I will not tire you with descriptions of objects you
+are already acquainted with. I walked round the edge of the crater,
+which appeared to be fifty times at least as capacious as the Devil's
+Punch-Bowl near Petersfield, on the Portsmouth Road, but not so broad
+at the bottom, as in that part it resembles the contracted part of a
+funnel more than a punch-bowl. At last, having made up my mind, in I
+sprang feet foremost; I soon found myself in a warm berth, and my body
+bruised and burnt in various parts by the red-hot cinders, which, by
+their violent ascent, opposed my descent: however, my weight soon
+brought me to the bottom, where I found myself in the midst of noise
+and clamour, mixed with the most horrid imprecations; after recovering
+my senses, and feeling a reduction of my pain, I began to look about
+me. Guess, gentlemen, my astonishment, when I found myself in the
+company of Vulcan and his Cyclops, who had been quarrelling, for the
+three weeks before mentioned, about the observation of good order and
+due subordination, and which had occasioned such alarms for that space
+of time in the world above. However, my arrival restored peace to the
+whole society, and Vulcan himself did me the honour of applying
+plasters to my wounds, which healed them immediately; he also placed
+refreshments before me, particularly nectar, and other rich wines,
+such as the gods and goddesses only aspire to. After this repast was
+over Vulcan ordered Venus to show me every indulgence which my
+situation required. To describe the apartment, and the couch on which
+I reposed, is totally impossible, therefore I will not attempt it; let
+it suffice to say, it exceeds the power of language to do it justice,
+or speak of that kind-hearted goddess in any terms equal to her merit.
+Vulcan gave me a very concise account of Mount Etna: he said it was
+nothing more than an accumulation of ashes thrown from his forge; that
+he was frequently obliged to chastise his people, at whom, in his
+passion, he made it a practice to throw red-hot coals at home, which
+they often parried with great dexterity, and then threw them up into
+the world to place them out of his reach, for they never attempted to
+assault him in return by throwing them back again. "Our quarrels,"
+added he, "last sometimes three or four months, and these appearances
+of coals or cinders in the world are what I find you mortals call
+eruptions." Mount Vesuvius, he assured me, was another of his shops,
+to which he had a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under the
+bed of the sea, where similar quarrels produced similar eruptions. I
+should have continued here as an humble attendant upon Madam Venus,
+but some busy tattlers, who delight in mischief, whispered a tale in
+Vulcan's ear, which roused in him a fit of jealousy not to be
+appeased. Without the least previous notice he took me one morning
+under his arm, as I was waiting upon Venus, agreeable to custom, and
+carried me to an apartment I had never before seen, in which there
+was, to all appearance, //a well// with a wide mouth: over this he held
+me at arm's length, and saying, "//Ungrateful mortal, return to the
+world from whence you came//," without giving me the least opportunity
+of reply, dropped me in the centre. I found myself descending with an
+increasing rapidity, till the horror of my mind deprived me of all
+reflection. I suppose I fell into a trance, from which I was suddenly
+aroused by plunging into a large body of water illuminated by the rays
+of the sun!!
+I could, from my infancy, swim well, and play tricks in the water. I
+now found myself in paradise, considering the horrors of mind I had
+just been released from. After looking about me some time, I could
+discover nothing but an expanse of sea, extending beyond the eye in
+every direction; I also found it very cold, a different climate from
+Master Vulcan's shop. At last I observed at some distance a body of
+amazing magnitude, like a huge rock, approaching me; I soon discovered
+it to be a piece of floating ice; I swam round it till I found a place
+where I could ascend to the top, which I did, but not without some
+difficulty. Still I was out of sight of land, and despair returned
+with double force; however, before night came on I saw a sail, which
+we approached very fast; when it was within a very small distance I
+hailed them in German; they answered in Dutch. I then flung myself
+into the sea, and they threw out a rope, by which I was taken on
+board. I now inquired where we were, and was informed, in the great
+Southern Ocean; this opened a discovery which removed all my doubts
+and difficulties. It was now evident that I had passed from Mount Etna
+through the centre of the earth to the South Seas: this, gentlemen,
+was a much shorter cut than going round the world, and which no man
+has accomplished, or ever attempted, but myself; however, the next
+time I perform it I will be much more particular in my observations.
+I took some refreshment, and went to rest. The Dutch are a very rude
+sort of people; I related the Etna passage to the officers, exactly as
+I have done to you, and some of them, particularly the Captain, seemed
+by his grimace and half-sentence to doubt my veracity; however, as he
+had kindly taken me on board his vessel, and was then in the very act
+of administering to my necessities, I pocketed the affront.
+I now in my turn began to inquire where they were bound? To which they
+answered, they were in search of new discoveries; "//and if//," said
+they, "//your story is true, a new passage is really discovered, and we
+shall not return disappointed//." We were now exactly in Captain Cook's
+first track, and arrived the next morning in Botany Bay. This place I
+would by no means recommend to the English government as a receptacle
+for felons, or place of punishment; it should rather be the reward of
+merit, nature having most bountifully bestowed her best gifts upon it.
+We stayed here but three days; the fourth after our departure a most
+dreadful storm arose, which in a few hours destroyed all our sails,
+splintered our bowsprit, and brought down our topmast; it fell
+directly upon the box that enclosed our compass, which, with the
+compass, was broken to pieces. Every one who has been at sea knows the
+consequences of such a misfortune: we now were at a loss where to
+steer. At length the storm abated, which was followed by a steady,
+brisk gale, that carried us at least forty knots an hour for six
+months! [we should suppose the Baron has made a little mistake, and
+substituted //months// for //days//] when we began to observe an amazing
+change in everything about us: our spirits became light, our noses
+were regaled with the most aromatic effluvia imaginable: the sea had
+also changed its complexion, and from green became white!! Soon after
+these wonderful alterations we saw land, and not at any great distance
+an inlet, which we sailed up near sixty leagues, and found it wide and
+deep, flowing with milk of the most delicious taste. Here we landed,
+and soon found it was an island consisting of one large cheese: we
+discovered this by one of the company fainting away as soon as we
+landed: this man always had an aversion to cheese; when he recovered,
+he desired the cheese to be taken from under his feet: upon
+examination we found him perfectly right, for the whole island, as
+before observed, was nothing but a cheese of immense magnitude! Upon
+this the inhabitants, who are amazingly numerous, principally sustain
+themselves, and it grows every night in proportion as it is consumed
+in the day. Here seemed to be plenty of vines, with bunches of large
+grapes, which, upon being pressed, yielded nothing but milk. We saw
+the inhabitants running races upon the surface of the milk: they were
+upright, comely figures, nine feet high, have three legs, and but one
+arm; upon the whole, their form was graceful, and when they quarrel,
+they exercise a straight horn, which grows in adults from the centre
+of their foreheads, with great adroitness; they did not sink at all,
+but ran and walked upon the surface of the milk, as we do upon a
+bowling-green.
+Upon this island of cheese grows great plenty of corn, the ears of
+which produce loaves of bread, ready made, of a round form like
+mushrooms. We discovered, in our rambles over this cheese, seventeen
+other rivers of milk, and ten of wine.
+After thirty-eight days' journey we arrived on the opposite side to
+that on which we landed: here we found some blue mould, as cheese-
+eaters call it, from whence spring all kinds of rich fruit; instead of
+breeding mites it produced peaches, nectarines, apricots, and a
+thousand delicious fruits which we are not acquainted with. In these
+trees, which are of an amazing size, were plenty of birds' nests;
+amongst others was a king-fisher's of prodigious magnitude; it was at
+least twice the circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in
+London. Upon inspection, this nest was made of huge trees curiously
+joined together; there were, let me see (//for I make it a rule always
+to speak within compass//), there were upwards of five hundred eggs in
+the nest, and each of them was as large as four common hogsheads, or
+eight barrels, and we could not only see, but hear the young ones
+chirping within. Having, with great fatigue, cut open one of these
+eggs, we let out a young one unfeathered, considerably larger than
+twenty full-grown vultures. Just as we had given this youngster his
+liberty the old kingfisher lighted, and seizing our captain, who had
+been active in breaking the egg, in one of her claws, flew with him
+above a mile high, and then let him drop into the sea, but not till
+she had beaten all his teeth out of his mouth with her wings.
+Dutchmen generally swim well: he soon joined us, and we retreated to
+our ship. On our return we took a different route, and observed many
+strange objects. We shot two wild oxen, each with one horn, also like
+the inhabitants, except that it sprouted from between the eyes of
+these animals; we were afterwards concerned at having destroyed them,
+as we found, by inquiry, they tamed these creatures, and used them as
+we do horses, to ride upon and draw their carriages; their flesh, we
+were informed, is excellent, but useless where people live upon cheese
+and milk. When we had reached within two days' journey of the ship we
+observed three men hanging to a tall tree by their heels; upon
+inquiring the cause of their punishment, I found they had all been
+travellers, and upon their return home had deceived their friends by
+describing places they never saw, and relating things that never
+happened: this gave me no concern, //as I have ever confined myself to
+facts//.
+As soon as we arrived at the ship we unmoored, and set sail from this
+extraordinary country, when, to our astonishment, all the trees upon
+shore, of which there were a great number very tall and large, paid
+their respects to us twice, bowing to exact time, and immediately
+recovered their former posture, which was quite erect.
+By what we could learn of this CHEESE, it was considerably larger than
+the continent of all Europe!
+After sailing three months we knew not where, being still without
+compass, we arrived in a sea which appeared to be almost black: upon
+tasting it we found it most excellent wine, and had great difficulty
+to keep the sailors from getting drunk with it: however, in a few
+hours we found ourselves surrounded by whales and other animals of an
+immense magnitude, one of which appeared to be too large for the eye
+to form a judgment of: we did not see him till we were close to him.
+This monster drew our ship, with all her masts standing, and sails
+bent, by suction into his mouth, between his teeth, which were much
+larger and taller than the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we
+had been in his mouth some time he opened it pretty wide, took in an
+immense quantity of water, and floated our vessel, which was at least
+tons burthen, into his stomach; here we lay as quiet as at anchor
+in a dead calm. The air, to be sure, was rather warm, and very
+offensive. We found anchors, cables, boats, and barges in abundance,
+and a considerable number of ships, some laden and some not, which
+this creature had swallowed. Everything was transacted by torch-light;
+no sun, no moon, no planet, to make observations from. We were all
+generally afloat and aground twice a-day; whenever he drank, it became
+high water with us; and when he evacuated, we found ourselves aground;
+upon a moderate computation, he took in more water at a single draught
+than is generally to be found in the Lake of Geneva, though that is
+above thirty miles in circumference. On the second day of our
+confinement in these regions of darkness, I ventured at low water, as
+we called it when the ship was aground, to ramble with the Captain,
+and a few of the other officers, with lights in our hands; we met with
+people of all nations, to the amount of upwards of ten thousand; they
+were going to hold a council how to recover their liberty; some of
+them having lived in this animal's stomach several years; there were
+several children here who had never seen the world, their mothers
+having lain in repeatedly in this warm situation. Just as the chairman
+was going to inform us of the business upon which we were assembled,
+this plaguy fish, becoming thirsty, drank in his usual manner; the
+water poured in with such impetuosity, that we were all obliged to
+retreat to our respective ships immediately, or run the risk of being
+drowned; some were obliged to swim for it, and with difficulty saved
+their lives. In a few hours after we were more fortunate, we met again
+just after the monster had evacuated. I was chosen chairman, and the
+first thing I did was to propose splicing two main-masts together, and
+the next time he opened his mouth to be ready to wedge them in, so as
+to prevent his shutting it. It was unanimously approved. One hundred
+stout men were chosen upon this service. We had scarcely got our masts
+properly prepared when an opportunity offered; the monster opened his
+mouth, immediately the top of the mast was placed against the roof,
+and the other end pierced his tongue, which effectually prevented him
+from shutting his mouth. As soon as everything in his stomach was
+afloat, we manned a few boats, who rowed themselves and us into the
+world. The daylight, after, as near as we could judge, three months'
+confinement in total darkness, cheered our spirits surprisingly. When
+we had all taken our leave of this capacious animal, we mustered just
+a fleet of ninety-five ships, of all nations, who had been in this
+confined situation.
+We left the two masts in his mouth, to prevent others being confined
+in the same horrid gulf of darkness and filth. Our first object was to
+learn what part of the world we were in; this we were for some time at
+a loss to ascertain: at last I found, from former observations, that
+we were in the Caspian Sea! which washes part of the country of the
+Calmuck Tartars. How we came here is was impossible to conceive, as
+this sea has no communication with any other. One of the inhabitants
+of the Cheese Island, whom I had brought with me, accounted for it
+thus:--that the monster in whose stomach we had been so long confined
+had carried us here through some subterraneous passage; however, we
+pushed to shore, and I was the first who landed. Just as I put my foot
+upon the ground a large bear leaped upon me with its fore-paws; I
+caught one in each hand, and squeezed him till he cried out most
+lustily; however, in this position I held him till I starved him to
+death. You may laugh, gentlemen, but this was soon accomplished, as I
+prevented him licking his paws. From hence I travelled up to St.
+Petersburg a second time: here an old friend gave me a most excellent
+pointer, descended from the famous bitch before-mentioned, that
+littered while she was hunting a hare. I had the misfortune to have
+him shot soon after by a blundering sportsman, who fired at him
+instead of a covey of partridges which he had just set. Of this
+creature's skin I have had this waistcoat made (showing his
+waistcoat), which always leads me involuntarily to game if I walk in
+the fields in the proper season, and when I come within shot, //one of
+the buttons constantly flies off, and lodges upon the spot where the
+sport is//; and as the birds rise, being always primed and cocked, I
+never miss them. Here are now but three buttons left. I shall have a
+new set sewed on against the shooting season commences.
+When a covey of partridges is disturbed in this manner, by the button
+falling amongst them, they always rise from the ground in a direct
+line before each other. I one day, by forgetting to take my ramrod out
+of my gun, shot it straight through a leash, as regularly as if the
+cook had spitted them. I had forgot to put in any shot, and the rod
+had been made so hot with the powder, that the birds were completely
+roasted by the time I reached home.
+Since my arrival in England I have accomplished what I had very much
+at heart, viz., providing for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island,
+whom I had brought with me. My old friend, Sir William Chambers, who
+is entirely indebted to me for all his ideas of Chinese gardening, by
+a description of which he has gained such high reputation; I say,
+gentlemen, in a discourse which I had with this gentlemen, he seemed
+much distressed for a contrivance to light the lamps at the new
+buildings, Somerset House; the common mode with ladders, he observed,
+was both dirty and inconvenient. My native of the Cheese Island popped
+into my head; he was only nine feet high when I first brought him from
+his own country, but was now increased to ten and a half: I introduced
+him to Sir William, and he is appointed to that honourable office. He
+is also to carry, under a large cloak, a utensil in each coat pocket,
+instead of those four which Sir William has //very properly// fixed for
+private purposes in so conspicuous a situation, the great quadrangle.
+He has also obtained from Mr. PITT the situation of messenger to his
+Majesty's lords of the bed-chamber, whose principal employment will
+//now// be, divulging the secrets of the Royal household to their
+//worthy// Patron.
+----
+Go to the [[SUPPLEMENT]]