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+====== TRAVELS OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN ======
+===== CHAPTER XIV =====
+//Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison, yet fails in
+part of his attempt--Gets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior,
+who orders his head to be cut off--Escapes, and gets on board a
+vessel, in which he is carried to Venice--Baron Tott's origin,
+with some account of that great man's parents--Pope Ganganelli's
+amour--His Holiness fond of shell-fish.//
+Baron de Tott, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a single act
+as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the
+different parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown from
+Europe to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less
+of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece
+of ordnance. What he says of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory
+will serve me, is this:--"The Turks had placed below the castle, and
+near the city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous
+piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of
+eleven hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it,
+but I was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me
+trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not
+only the castle, but the city also; at length their fears in part
+subsided, and I was permitted to discharge it. It required not less
+than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball
+weighed, as before mentioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer
+brought the priming, the crowds who were about me retreated back as
+fast as they could; nay, it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded
+the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger: even the engineer
+who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably alarmed. I
+took my stand on some stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal,
+and felt a shock like that of earthquake! At the distance of three
+hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed
+the strait, rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the surface
+of the water all in a foam through the whole breadth of the channel."
+This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's account
+of the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not
+long since, the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was
+mentioned as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.
+I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman, therefore took this
+very piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumped
+into the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I
+unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I say
+unfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about
+to discharge it, and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of
+the channel, where it now lies, without a prospect of ever recovering
+it: and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand
+Seignior, as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of
+the loss of his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off
+my head. I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with
+whom I was become a great favourite, and she secreted me in her
+apartment while the officer charged with my execution was, with his
+assistants, in search of me.
+That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice,
+which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
+The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I
+miscarried in the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the
+bargain: however, as it contains no impeachment of my honour, I would
+not withhold it from you.
+Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity.
+I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing
+Tott.
+His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his
+profession was that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys,
+vulgarly called a scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains
+of Savoy, and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to
+both sexes in that part of the world; she left her parents when young,
+and sought her fortune in the same city which gave his father birth;
+she maintained herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex,
+for she never was known to refuse them any favour they asked, provided
+they did but pay her some compliment beforehand. This lovely couple
+met by accident in the street, in consequence of their being both
+intoxicated, for by reeling to one centre they threw each other down;
+this created mutual abuse, in which they were complete adepts; they
+were both carried to the watch-house, and afterwards to the house of
+correction; they soon saw the folly of quarrelling, made it up, became
+fond of each other, and married; but madam returning to her old
+tricks, his father, who had high notions of honour, soon separated
+himself from her; she then joined a family who strolled about with a
+puppet-show. In time she arrived at Rome, where she kept an oyster-
+stand. You have all heard, no doubt of Pope Ganganelli, commonly
+called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond of oysters. One Good
+Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in state, to assist
+at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's oysters (which
+were remarkably fine and fresh); he could not proceed without tasting
+them. There were about five thousand people in his train; he ordered
+them all to stop, and sent word to the church he could not attend mass
+till next day; then alighting from his horse (for the Pope always
+rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went into her stall, and
+ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired into the cellar
+where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment was her
+kitchen, parlour, and bed-chamber. He liked his situation so much that
+he discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story, His
+Holiness passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gave her
+absolution, not only for every sin she had, but all she might
+hereafter commit.
+//Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour
+cannot be doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When
+Tott was born, his mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of
+her child; he immediately placed him under the proper people, and as
+he grew up gave him a gentleman's education, had him taught the use of
+arms, procured him promotion in France, and a title, and when he died
+he left him a good estate.//
+----
+Go to [[CHAPTER XV]]