roleplaying:munchausen:arctic_zephyr
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— | roleplaying:munchausen:arctic_zephyr [2008/08/27 17:59] (current) – created - external edit 127.0.0.1 | ||
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+ | ====== Arctic Zephyr ====== | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | The scotsman, who was mentioned briefly, but then faded out of everyone' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Out of deference to the newcomer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Earl takes the moment to order a selection of Saracen liquors, | ||
+ | which he downs with alacrity. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "But I understand, Sir Bruce, that you are no stranger to the Arctic Zephyr. | ||
+ | Antipodes in secret, only to return it a week later?" | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Oh, aye, I'd near forgotten that," says the Bruce, "it was so long ago. But it set me up for life. Before that I was just wee Angus Drummond, the assistant groundskeeper at Clackmannan. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "If I hadae been a little older I would have spoken up when we set out north, but I must admit I was a little wary of the man. He was near on seven foot tall and as hairy as one of those Irish dogs. He said he had some wildman in him, and there were few willing to gainsay him. Besides, I had been seeing to his daughter. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "When we got back from our trip with a bag full of Arctic Zephyr, rather than the Arch-Zebra in a cage, the old Lord was furious and told us to sort it out before we dared show our faces at Clackmannan again. He was wooing the Duchess of Wolverhampton and had promised her a ride on the King of the Zebras." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "So Farley set of south, this time with a picture of what a zebra looks like, and it was left to me to take the Zephyr back where he came from. When I let it go, it was so grateful it told me I could call on it three times and it would help me out at need. I've used two calls, one when I was pretending to be the chief eunuch at the palace of Brunei and couldnae find a cold shower for the life of me, and one in the tale I'm about to tell. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now you may think that a trip to the north pole is hard thing for a boy of only twelve summers, but you must remember that we breed them tough in Scotland, and besides, I've got a little wildman in me myself." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Oh, I see - I had understood the Bruce' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "As an aside, you may be interested to know that the Arch-Zebra was killed by the King of Beasts, who, of course, took his title by right of conquest. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | Wolverhampton a ride, as a favour to the Old Lord, though it | ||
+ | apparently did nothing to further the courtship. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Pray, continue, sir Bruce." | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Ben Bovril ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | "Aye, well, be that as it may," says the Bruce, "I knew that having the Arctic Zephyr on my side could well be the making of me, but it wasnae until near on seven years later, after Farley had been lost in a freak garden trowel accident, that I realised how it could be done. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | You notice as the massive Scotsman waves to the barmaid for another drink, that he is building a scale model of the mountain out of complementary nuts. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I scaled the south-western face," he says, indicating one particularly difficult part of his model, "which as you can see is an overhanging glacier. It's easy enough when you know how. All you have to do is lick your hands, and press them flat against the ice," he presses his hands flat on the table and grins manically, "you stick like glue." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "As I stood their, I noticed a strange smell. I hadnae eaten for more than a week, since with both hands busy climbing the glacier, I hadnae been able to hold on to my rock, and whatever the smell was, it was making me hungry. So I looked around, and eventually found that it was coming from my feet. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I didnae seem natural, wanting to eat your own feet, even if you had just climbed a cliff with no food and you were standing naked in the snow on top of the most dangerous mountain in the world, but when I looked closer, it turned out my feet had melted little puddles in the snow, and it was these puddles that were making the smell." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The stuff in the puddles was some kind of brown liquid, and it smelled like liquid cow. Now that may not sound appetising to some of you more civilised types, but liquid cow is a rare delicacy amongst the wildmen and the Scots alike. So I tasted the stuff…" | ||
+ | |||
+ | "And suddenly I knew how I was going to make my fortune. I could be more than just the Laird of a clan, I could be… well you know what I am! All I had to do was steal the mountain and haul it off somewhere warm where the snow would melt. The only question was how." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Well I thought of that, naturally," | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Of Foxes and Flamenco ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | "Aye, lady," the massive Scotsman says, "I thought long and hard, but the ancient hollowing-out-a-mountain-with-fox-eggs-and-a-long-straw trick was the only way I could think of. In fact, I realised that if I did it not once, but twice, I cold solve all my problems at once. | ||
+ | "The first time, it would leave a hollow shell that would disguise what I had done, and the second would leave a hollow mountain that'd be light enough for the Arctic Zephyr could lift. All the rock and stuff from inside I could just dump in Pentland Firth. People' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | He cracks his knuckles and disassembles his nutty model of Ben Bovril, then reconstructs it into a map of Madagascar, complete with settlements marked with olive pits and mountains with walnuts. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I didnae have the money to get there myself, but now I was the head groundskeeper at Clackmannan, | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I had my pneumatic Spanish friend forge a letter from her mistress, saying that she was "ever so attracted to men who owned three-toed sloths" | ||
+ | |||
+ | He sits back and downs another half pint, obviously waiting for congratulations on his cleverness, or at least questions about what else his flamenco floozy could do. These not being forthcoming, | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now Madagascar' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The ship put me down on the north cost of the island, saying they'd be back in a month to pick me up, and if I wasnae there, it was my own problem. So I set off south, whistling the distinctive call of the monotreme fox. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "It wasnae long till it had an effect. I'd only been in the country for a day an a half before some of the locals mistook me for the very fox I was looking for and shot me with a poisoned arrow. Now these days I'm immune to every poison known to man, but this all happened long before I ever met Viracocha, so the deadly poison knocked me unconscious in less than a week. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I awoke in the village of Antsohiny, hog-tied to a stake over a slow fire, and surrounded by natives. I glanced around quickly and saw a basket of the very eggs I needed sitting next to what had to be a kitchen hut. This journey was going to be easier than I thought, and everything I needed to escape was right where I needed it." | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The earl looks around the table. | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Contessa considers this for a moment. | ||
+ | "Aye, you're right there," | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now I reckon you've all been someone' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The Yorkshire moss only flowers once every 130 years, but it makes up for it in smell. A plant that flowers every year may smell nice, but one that flowers every 130 years smells 130 times as much. In Europe, that's not a problem, the animals and insects are used to it, but in Africa, it's a different story. The heating of the Yorkshire moss attracted bees from all over the island of Madagascar, and within minutes, they were swarming all over the village. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now I could have left the villagers to it at that point, but it seemed heartless to leave them being stung by bees when all they'd done was to shoot their future God and hang him up over a fire. So I took pity on them. I wove my ropes into a kind of a net and strode out into the village square. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "There weren' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "As their God, I delivered a few choice commandments: | ||
+ | |||
+ | He sits back and is quiet for a moment, thinking of something pleasant. It's obviously good to be a god. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I left them with most of the fox eggs," he says eventually, "I only needed a dozen or so, and set off to the north to meet my ship. On the way, I scruffed a three-toed sloth to please the laird, and boarded the ship bound back for Europe. It was a pleasant voyage, with calm seas and plenty of African produce to eat. So I was relaxed, and totally unprepared for the harsh reception that met me when I got back to Scotland..." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I would wager, me dear Bruce', | ||
+ | |||
+ | "He had in fact, not only failed to locate the Arch Zebra for you Laird, but had actually claimed that you had met in your travels with him and stolen it. Some nonsense or other about archrivalry and a daughter no doubt." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I suspect the Laird had the entire army of Royal Mad Scots awaiting your arrival for the sole purpose of arresting you and discovering the whereabouts of the Arch-Zebra through any means necessary. | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Earl gasps in shock. | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== The Trouble with Sloths ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "He hadnae been able to make these charges stick with the old Laird, so had resorted to having them brought up in the English courts. He'd also accused me of sailing to Madagascar to gather fox eggs, which are a well know aphrodisiac. If I had've known that at the time, I would' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now you know how the English are for prosecuting and persecuting the Scots, so ye'll ken I had little chance of getting away with my fox eggs, or even my life, so I had tae get off the ship and back to the Laird' | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "So in the end, I came up with an idea based on something the captain had seen on a voyage to China. I decided I couldnae risk the lives of my friends - except perhaps the mate, who'd made comments about my kilt - so I set off alone by dead of night. The two smallest ratings, a pair of brothers named John and Alan Neilsen, sat atop each other' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now if you've ever been to China and seen one of their festivals, I'm sure you'll know what happened next. I strapped the sloth down firmly, so he couldnae fall - or fly - overboard, and set up a candle behind him. After that it was just a case of pointing the boat northwards, and within minutes we were rocketing our way to freedom faster than a man can ride. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "When we finally reached land, we were no more than ten miles from Clackmannan. I delivered the sloth, who was quite worn out by then, and after a bite to eat and a quick visit to Farley' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Was it the sudden change in the weather that made it so difficult?" | ||
+ | |||
+ | ===== Farley gets his ===== | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | After what seems an inordinately long pause to pollish off his beer, the Bruce leans forward to finish his story. | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I dinnae know how he did it, but somehow he'd caught wind of what I was up to, and he'd decided to do it himself. By the time I got to the top of Ben Bovril again, all the snow was gone, and Farley was sitting there waiting for me! He must have hollowed out the mountain and towed it away himself. Ahd he must have ridden like the wind to beat me there from the coast, but he was sitting there calm as can be, and a dozen English soldiers with him besides. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "I quickly hid behind a rock and wondered what I was going to do. All the marvellous brown liquid was gone, probably stored somewhere in the Antipodes for him to come back to once he'd done away with me. I knew there was no chance of getting him to tell me where it was, he was always a tight lipped fellow, and I wasnae his favorite person. I must admit, I searched for the stuff for years, but I never found it. I'm sure it's out there somewhere just waiting for someone to come along and make their fortune from it. It doesnae worry me any more. I made my fortune that day anyway. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "With my plans ruined, my thoughts turned to revenge. I still had the fox eggs with me, and a long length of straw which was now useless. And I had the Arctic Zephyr with me. It didnae take long to come up with a plan. I trimmed the straw down to a two foot length and stuffed one of the eggs inside. I aimed to use it like a pea shooter, but with the size of a fox egg and the size of a straw, I didnae have the puff to blow it out the end. I'm no sure even my Spanish lady could' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "But the Arctic Zephyr could, and come evening, we set ourselves up behind a rock and waited for Farley to get tired. Sure enough, it wasnae long before he started yawning. While his mouth was wide open, the Zephyr blew down the straw and the egg flew out the end like an arrow from a bow, straight down his throat." | ||
+ | |||
+ | "You should' | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Now I don't know if you've ever tried it, but fox eggs are powerful and irresistable. They give you urges that have to be attended to straight away. You want to be very careful that you're in the right company before you start messing around with fox eggs. Swallowing one when your only comanions are twelve English soldiers for instance, is not a good plan, unless you're that kind of girl. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "The last I saw of those soldiers, they were racing down the mountain with Farley in hot pursuit, his kilt hitched up around his waist, and his manhood standing up like a caber. They must' | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Bruce sits back with a smug look on his face, then notices you all staring at him waiting for more. | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Oh, the fortune," | ||
+ | |||
+ | "But enough about me, now. I'm parched. How about you tell me what you think of me? What about you, Your Lordship," | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Go back to [[first_toke]] |
roleplaying/munchausen/arctic_zephyr.txt · Last modified: 2008/08/27 17:59 by 127.0.0.1